It's Day 1. Again.
It’s been several months since I’ve written and some of you may have wondered where in the world I have been. Well, since September, I've been in a whirlwind of business travel and acclimating to my new job. While I've been very busy, I did picked up my laptop a few times with the full intention of checking in and sharing some words of weight loss wisdom, but whenever I started writing, I stopped, closed the laptop and refocused on something else.
Admitting this isn't easy but I think that part of the reason why I wasn’t motivated to share, is because I didn’t want to come to terms with my failure. You see, while 2018 was an awesome year filled with wonderful things, It's also been a challenging year from a weight loss perspective and I’ve truly been struggling to maintain my healthy lifestyle. Between business travel, various holidays, celebrations, vacation and some personal stressors - I’ve gained back about 15 pounds.
In whole scheme of life, 15 pounds isn’t very much, but I worked really hard to get rid of them. To welcome they back to my ass really doesn’t feel very good. To put it out there and share my failure with the world also isn’t easy - but its part of my journey and I promised myself that I would share my trials and tribulations, no matter how difficult. This one took a little time, but it’s out there now and I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.
I consider myself a fairly strong and independent woman and I am just as proud as I am strong. To tell you that I’ve gained weight isn’t easy for me. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me realize that I became too comfortable and allowed myself small bites and tastes of things here and there. I rationalized each bite and when I realized the scale didn’t move when I indulged, I started to indulge a little bit more. Then the scale started to inch upwards and I rationalized it away by saying things like:
“It’s only a few pounds - you’ll take it off.”
“You’re allowed to have a little fun - don’t be so neurotic about it.”
“You’ll burn it off at the gym tomorrow.”
“I”m traveling on business this week - it’s OK to indulge a little bit. I’ve earned it.”
In the end, the rationalization gave way to my Negative Ninny and Shazam....
I stopped tracking my food and counting calories. I started eating more sugar. I even drank a little here and there. Before I knew it, the size 10 jeans that I was so proud of slipping into all those months ago got so tight that even laying on the bed to zip them up wasn’t an option. I just couldn’t breathe. UGH.
So, what did I do? I went to the store and bought more crap. I have more snacks and sugary food in my house today than I’ve had in years and although I’m not the only one who lives here - at the end of the day none of us need that junk in our bodies. I’ve become complacent with myself. I stopped weighing daily and loosened up so much that I lost my focus.
So here I am the eve of 2019 and I am sitting here dreading the weight loss resolution again. I refuse to put it on my list because if I do, I know I will fail. I've learned that for me, maintaining is so much harder than losing the weight. When I’m in weight loss mode, I’m focused, rigid and somewhat inflexible - lately I've been the complete opposite.
Learning how to balance flexibility with good health and the things I love to eat feels like being on a tight rope sometimes. If I lose focus, I lose my balance and eventually fall.
Getting back onto the tightrope after falling takes guts. It's about brushing off your bruised pride and fostering the knowledge that you can do it. Its means nurturing yourself, refocusing and realizing - ONCE AGAIN - that you’re worth it. Fears must be faced head on. Without question, the thought of all of this is somewhat overwhelming and scary. The mere thought of failing makes me not even want to try. But at the end of the day - it can be done, it has been done. I know that if I get back on the tightrope, I can learn to balance - it just takes time if I'm patient and I'm good to myself.
Another key to success is realizing that being perfect isn’t realistic. I’m human. I'm going to flounder sometimes. When I do, I'll catch myself and I'll refocus - just as I am now. If, for nothing else, than to show myself that I can do it. I lost over 100 lbs and I gained 15 back. Not the end of the world. I've got this.
So, here I go again. I may have gained 15 pounds, but my goal is to lose 35 within the next 12 months. Totally do-able. I want to finally get to my original goal weight - and I’m going to do it in 2019. There are some very exciting things on the horizon next year and I need to be in the best shape possible. I’ll share more as we head into the new year.
I commit to writing more often and keeping you posted on my journey. I look forward to it and hope that you’ll share yours both on my facebook page - Healthy Momma Bee and in the comments section of my blog.
There’s no better time to take care of you, us, me.
Everyday is day one. Again and again. Over and over. Day 1.
If I can do it. So can you!
Bee healthy. Bee happy.